Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Things Didn't Get Better

I went to Kid's Market and had a reasonable time--their is a sense of accomplishment when you get a good deal, but I felt slightly guilty being there. Poor Mercy wasn't just cutting another tooth (though she is also doing that) she really was sick. She likely caught the stomach bug from the Nursery on Sunday at church. It makes me mad, so much that I don't even want to take her to church.

I've been weepy about everything and down as I said in the earlier blog. That didn't change. My dad told me that Dr. Webber has pancreatic cancer! I wanted to break down and weep right there in the old Winn Dixie. I felt alone--the whole time I shopped. Mercy was worse when I got home. She had another episode just as I was walking through the door and my heart just broke for her! I wanted someone to fix it, to make it right, cause I sure as heck couldn't. I feel a little bit helpless. My only prayer is that tomorrow is better. Please, God, make tomorrow better.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore--that I'm not going to be able to keep on pushing through, but when it comes right down to it, I know that I have to. Like I told my mom today, I have responsibilities. As lousy as I feel, it isn't just about me anymore. But I gotta say, sometimes I wish I could just check out of this life for awhile.

Mom said someone explained her emotional place as "exhaustion." I can relate to that. I need a break--from having to be a mom, wife, sister-in-law. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had one, but I'm pretty sure it would help.

I had a small escape tonight after rushing out to the pharmacy. I stopped at Starbucks and ordered a pumpkin spice latte. I drank it with my windows down and my music loud, all the way home. It was nice and reminded me of so many autumn's gone by. My how fast life changes...
Still weepy...going to sleep while I can...don't know what the night holds for me with Mercy's illness and all.


Alyson said...

You can always come retreat with me in California. Even if just for the weekend.... I love you so much and wish my arms could stretch all the way over there to hug you tightly!

Lacey Gilliam said...

Don't you just love those pumpkin spice lattes. Sometimes they can make everything better...and sometimes not!
I am praying for you friend. Keep your chin up, I think that all of us (moms) feel like checking out every now and then! Let me know if I can help!