Home

Since the hurricane I have lost my sense of home. I think I may have blogged about this before. I have thought alot about my safe place, my sense of home over the last couple of weeks. All I can come up with is that home is where you feel safe. I don't know why I feel safe wherever my family of origin is, but it is true. When I go to Greenville, I always just want to stay there. Not without my own family of course. I couldn't live well without them, but the truth is that right now I'm not living well with them. I balled my eyes out off and on for 2 hours today and my husband never sees that. How could he...he's busy at work and then by the time he gets home, I usually feel a bit better, both cause he's finally home and also cause someone can help take the load off with my Mercy responsibilities. I need his help, but he doesn't seem to see the extent of my need. I think I'm going to try to communicate it all more clearly this weekend. Wish me luck.

Going, and going, and going

Poor Mercy can't seem to shake all this. So the pooh factor is going--mostly. Actually, ironically, she hasn't made a dirty diaper since yesterday morning before we went to see the Dr. I don't know if she was all out and needed to restock or maybe we gave her too many Cheese Puffs at the Dr.'s suggestion. Her belly does seem to be bothering her a bit which is kinda sad since there's nothing I can really do about it. Hopefully she'll sleep well tonight so that I can, but somehow I'm not counting on it. I slept awful last night and woke up with a head/neckache. I couldn't take Mercy to MDO wouldn't you know cause even though she is 24 hours free of her dirty diapers, she now has a fever. She ran a fever all day today even with the aide of tylenol and ibprofen. Poor girl. she only seemed a little fussy about it all. It was most noticable during nap time. I don't think she got much of a nap cause she seemed unable to get comfortable. She acted like I do when I have a splitting headache.

Daddy daughter night was tonight and not a moment too soon. I've needed a break so bad. They weren't really gone long at all, but just long enough for me to enjoy a fabulous salad with chicken strips, oranges, tomatos, celery, and carrots. Then I got a little laundry done and finally dried mercy's "binky." I got her clothes put up and her room put back together after having had company last weekend, so that was nice to actually get something done around here. Actually, I started off the morning determined to get the kitchen clean and I did. It took me at least an hour, but Mercy didn't seem to mind too much. Tomorrow is Friday, so hopefully it will be as good as it sounds.

Those of you wondering if I made it through today without crying or feeling depressed, the answer is NO. Sorry, probably won't have a day without that for awhile, but help is on the way. I think it could just about only get better from here. Thanks to all for your prayers and encouragement. I need and cherish it.

Mystery Solved

Mercy's been battling the stomach flu for what seemed to be about 10 days. Finally, we went to the doctor and did the lovely sample. I haven't heard anything back from them, but in brushing Mercy's teeth tonight I felt just a bit of her back left molar that had begun to poke through. Well that explains why she woke up last night in the middle of the night with a bad diaper and then again this morning! So much for that long night's sleep I tried to get by going to bed at 9:30pm. Oh well, such is motherhood.

My day pretty much revolved around all that. I went to the doctor twice...once with Mercy, then once again with Mercy and her dirty diapers. We proceeded to the mall nearby so she could run around and get worn out, but it may have been unnecessary since she seemed pretty tired most of the day. She had a super long morning nap and at least an hour for the afternoon. It wasn't even hard to get her to sleep tonight.

Suspecting that she might have been reinfecting herself I managed to clorox most everything. I'm only one person so there are some things that I didn't get to, but all the cleanliness should help her get better, then maybe I'll have a chance to get my life in some kind of order.

I do have a counseling session scheduled finally for next Tuesday. They talked of fitting me in tomorrow which sounded great, but I really didn't know what the situation would hold as far as Mercy's tummy and all. I need it bad. This depression can actually be numbing physically. Sometimes all I can do is just sit there frozen, "in the zone". It's really weird actually, cold, tingly and it feels fuzzy and full. If you can keep you mind and your eyes "awake" you can pull yourself out of it. Something I suppose I'll talk to the counselor about. It may have something to do with extreme stress--coping mechanism and such, sort of a way for you to shut down for awhile. Of course, if Mercy cried out in the midst of it, I'll bet that would work too.

Coldplay X&Y

Been listening to this CD on my ipod and really enjoying it finally. I listened to it before but didn't like it. Then it was one of the few CD I had in my car, and when I put it in I found that I really liked it. I liked it for so many reasons. First of all Coldplay is likely my most favorite band, so the style and musicality is right up my alley, but more than that the lyrics contain actual thought. They are compelling and say alot about the state of our human race. I find myself connecting on so many levels that the last time I listened to this CD I cried. You know how sometimes other people, books, poetry, music, etc. expresses something inside you that has been untouchable, unexplainable...well I suppose that's sort of what happened.

Clearly I have been depressed lately, something I'm due to explore in counseling very soon...so understand that if you are reading this, that at this very moment I am aware that much of my recent states of being are simply big pity parties, but I'm having a hard time shaking that off. So that's just where I am. Take it or leave it.

So many of these songs touched the depth of feeling I've had sloshing around in my for awhile, but track four had me balling the other day. You'll see...

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down you face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When your too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you could not replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will look for the mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

?

Why the question mark...Oh because I just don't know! That's a quote from the movie "Monster in-law". That is how I feel today. It seems as though my inside feelings are moving around inside me like waves on the sea shore. Things seemed average, pleasant even, but my patience I found, is rather short today. Now, while Mercy is asleep I find I'm sad and even teary. Slight relief has come, but my fear is that it's only temporary. I have no idea!

Clearly, I need to see a therapist or something, so Jason is coming home with that info today. And not a moment too soon. Helpfully, Jason and I have had some meaningful conversation this weekend, so I don't feel quite so isolated. He sweetly said that if I wanted or needed it, he would move us closer to my Family of Origin. I thought that was sweet and sacrificial, but I don't know if that's necessary. I can't just run away or run to my parents everytime things just aren't quite right for me. Clearly there is more to all this than that. I am not unhappy with living here. That isn't really it. In fact, I'm not sure what "it" is. It's a good chance that it has to do with having no support system around me. But it's like I'm paralyzed at recreating that system. I love where we live, the house and the neighbors are great and my schedule is nice to. My family is not too far and I can get away pretty much whenever I like. So, I don't know.

Snap, Crackle, Pop

No, this post is not about Rice Crispies. I pulled out my laptop this morning to check my email really quick and found a story about RECORDS and PLAYERS on my home page. The irony here is that my sister and I were just discussing the qualities that we enjoyed from our record listening experiences as a child.

In reading the Tightwad Gazette recently, I was reminded of the benefits of the record player, and there was an inkling in my head that I should look for a record player at the garage sales. Well I didn't look for one. ITunes makes buying music cheap and enjoyable too. However, Meredith and I were reminiscing about our days in ballet and the lovely use of the Record Player. The pops and cracks have this lovely kind of nostalgia. The kind of memories that consist of the very reasons that I fell in love with music as it is.

All that said, I think I would like to have a Record Player again. Maybe for Christmas. I don't know where I would put it and I'm pretty sure Jason will think that I'm nuts, but I think I'd like to have one. I didn't know they were making a come back or anything, but that is what the article was saying. That fact alone may put a damper on my getting one. You know how supply and demand goes. Oh well, if it can be found reasonably priced, hopefully I will aquire this new collection soon. I think Mercy would like it as well.

College Football

How many of you HATE college football? I think I do. I used to enjoy it, and honestly in its own right, I enjoy it, but once I got merried it quickly became a sworn enemy! Last week Jason and I had an argument about his watching it...not because I complained about his watching it. Believe it or not he was trying to vent his frustration about "interruptions" during his watching the game. I took a nap during part of the game which meant that he had to keep tabs on Mercy. Apparently, this bothered him...she was an interruption in his game. Well, that ticks me off! What am I supposed to do...evacuate Mercy and myself for all the many hours on Saturdays and Sundays? No way! Anyway, that is my soapbox.

It just comes up again today because I haven't seen my husband all day. He had an agenda that I knew little about, and he's off doing those things. Right now it's football and food with his brother. I'm not mad or anything...I love that he gets out, cause we all need that, I just feel jipped. We don't get to see him much, not to mention that with just me, it is hard to get things done, so when the weekend rolls around, I like to make the most of our double manpower. Hmmm. Maybe I have my own expectations, but I don't think they are that unreasonable, I just think that there needs to be more and better communication about the details of our lives. Sorry world, sometimes us wives and mothers just need to vent.

Trading Spaces with Myself

Wish I had something more interesting and story-like to blog about, but alas, being a mom at home doesn't give me much control over the interesting things that can happen in a day.

I'm gearing up. Jason and I decided that we just aren't ready for the whole house jump yet, and everyday affirms that decision more and more. So, I'm gearing up to make this place our home.

I know we probably won't be here forever, but some small touches can really do the trick. I figure we'll go about it in a very organized fashion, starting with the necessary "renew"vations. We'll work from a budget (imagine that) and then whatever doesn't fit will have to wait till we have extra monies to work with. I think that definately means that we will be painting first.

I'm going to attempt to simply upholstery clean Mercy's rocking chair. I was going to recover it, but it kept getting moved around, so I've decided that in her room, it's own color fits great. That means I've got to clean it. It is sooo dirty!

I've picked the colors for the living room and kitchen (same), and the dining room and foyer (same), but the bathrooms are a mystery. I've decided what to do with the walls in the basement, but not the ceiling. Dehumidifiers are absolutely necessary, and I'd love a fireplace, but that certainly isn't a necessity. (Still waiting on the maintenance to come and deal with the moisture issue.)

As far as the upstairs is concerned I think the upstairs baths need some doing, but just a simple reorganization will do in our bedroom.

Mercy's room is pretty cute. Sure the walls in there are a boring color, but everything else is Paris Pink Poodles. I guess all it really needs is curtains.

Mostly paint should do the trick! That saves a lot of money in major renovations. There are a few things else, but only just the few and those will have to go on the priority list. Can't wait to get started! How about I post some before and after pics as I go along in my projects?!

Better Day

Today was better. Thankfully we only had 2 episodes with Mercy today. She seemed to be in a wonderful mood. She slept in till 8am and then skipped her morning nap. So we went to Kids Market. That was delightful!

Nothing like a little retail therapy...But truly, at least I wasn't weepy all day. I'm sort of down that I won't be getting the day off tomorrow with Mother's Day Out, but Mercy has to be 24 hours free of symptoms and she hasn't been. I'll have to try to clean around her.

Way too tired to still be up, so I'll be going to bed early like a "good mom".

Here's a pic of Mercy's first swing experience at the park. Funny that I actually caught a pic of her not smiling. She had the time of her life!

Things Didn't Get Better

I went to Kid's Market and had a reasonable time--their is a sense of accomplishment when you get a good deal, but I felt slightly guilty being there. Poor Mercy wasn't just cutting another tooth (though she is also doing that) she really was sick. She likely caught the stomach bug from the Nursery on Sunday at church. It makes me mad, so much that I don't even want to take her to church.

I've been weepy about everything and down as I said in the earlier blog. That didn't change. My dad told me that Dr. Webber has pancreatic cancer! I wanted to break down and weep right there in the old Winn Dixie. I felt alone--the whole time I shopped. Mercy was worse when I got home. She had another episode just as I was walking through the door and my heart just broke for her! I wanted someone to fix it, to make it right, cause I sure as heck couldn't. I feel a little bit helpless. My only prayer is that tomorrow is better. Please, God, make tomorrow better.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore--that I'm not going to be able to keep on pushing through, but when it comes right down to it, I know that I have to. Like I told my mom today, I have responsibilities. As lousy as I feel, it isn't just about me anymore. But I gotta say, sometimes I wish I could just check out of this life for awhile.

Mom said someone explained her emotional place as "exhaustion." I can relate to that. I need a break--from having to be a mom, wife, sister-in-law. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had one, but I'm pretty sure it would help.

I had a small escape tonight after rushing out to the pharmacy. I stopped at Starbucks and ordered a pumpkin spice latte. I drank it with my windows down and my music loud, all the way home. It was nice and reminded me of so many autumn's gone by. My how fast life changes...
Still weepy...going to sleep while I can...don't know what the night holds for me with Mercy's illness and all.

Down Today

So it happens from time to time...I'm feeling down today. Part hormones, Part other things. Sigh. I don't guess there's much I can do about it. Sometimes, a lot of times, I wish I were somewhere else. I wish I were around more people that loved me unconditionally. I often feel I lack a dependable support system in my life. I may just feel that way because Katrina took away what was comfortable, but I'm not sure. I miss my parents most. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me missing them like I do. Maybe I need to leave and cleave better, but it's not as if I want to go live with them again or anything. And it's certainly not as if I'd rather be with them than my family. That is not the case at all. I think it is just a normal part of life in families that are close. I hear people desperately miss parents that have been deceased for years.

Today has been frustrating anyway, so that doesn't help. Mercy was supposed to be in Mother's Day Out for a few hours, but she's cutting a new tooth and they wanted me to come get her cause she was "sick." She is extra grumpy--all the more reason I needed some time apart--but here we are. She doesn't have much of an appetite and she's tired, but at this point she can't nap for another hour. So we are watching Baby Einstein. I'm blogging and trying to eat lunch. I didn't get a chance to clean like I had hoped, so I will have to get as much done as I can during her nap. Then Jason's parents are coming over to watch Mercy while I go to Kid's Market to shop. That should be the highlight of my day, though I have to go it alone. Oh well, things will get better...I'm sure of it.

Being a Mom is Gross

OK. so don't go off on me till you've read the blog. Today, Mercy and I were on a way home from viewing a house and playing in the park. Thankfully, we were turning into our subdivision when it sounded as if she were choking or gagging or something. Now as far as I knew all she had on her was her passy, so I just figured she was just choking on her own spit. Maybe she got ahold of an old goldfish in or around her carseat, I don't know, but all of a sudden she started throwing up. No big deal. It was just a little bit to clear her passage I guess, but apparently that got her to going and she through up 2 or 3 more times. I quickly turned into the very next parking area, threw the car in park and raced around to her, catching my hip on some jagged part of the car on my way around. As I got her out she threw up the final time, nearly missing me and getting the door of the car and the asphalt. I barely packed a bag for her, but I did have a mexican blanket in the trunk. I layed it out on the sidewalk, grabbed a new diaper, stripped mercy down and used the Feltmann bros. dress she was wearing and had already soiled to wipe her off. We put on a new diaper and used her wipes to wipe both her and I off. I then grabbed the stroller out of the trunk, locked her in it on the sidewalk, actually parked the car, cracked the windows because of the smell, locked it, and strolled the rest of the way home. There was no one to help us, so we helped ourselves.

I couldn't have put her in the car seat that was drowning in dinner, so we strolled home and headed straight for the bath. Jason was still out with his brother, so us girls tried to clean up. Amazingly, water, baby soap, and even antibacterial soap haven't totally gotten rid of the curdled peach yogurt smell entirely. I can't even imagine about the car, but I haven't gotten that far. Just in case, I've got the monitor on Mercy tonight. She seemed fine after it was all said and done, but in the event of a stomach virus, I'd like to be prepared.

I do have a sizable, many colored bruise on my hip, and I need a shower, but I'm waiting on Jason to get back with the car which he supposedly took to get cleaned...and here he is. gotta go help.

Reginelli's Pizza! Ooo, I Wanna Eatcha!

Ok. So all this is is a simple shout out for the best pizza ever. I had a hankering for pizza last night, so we went to California Pizza Kitchen. Now that's really good, don't get me wrong. But I had to put together my own pizza from various items I knew they had so that I could have the pizza I really wanted--which was from Reginelli's! I've never had pizza like theirs, and last night's pizza was good, but not quite what I wanted. I had this lovely cheese Neopolitan pizza to which I added kalamata olives and roasted peppers. They had a greek pizza, but it had cold, salad toppings. I wanted a hot pizza. What I really wanted, I can't remember, but I know it had kalamata olives, red peppers and garlic, roasted, and possibly spinach and/or sun dried tomatos! So this is just a shout out to say, "Reginelli's pizza, I miss you!" Hope that the family faired well through the storm and was able to rebuild. If they need to relocate, please come to Birmingham!
That's enough of this silly soapbox. I must go be a productive human being today.

Update

So, my birthday came and went. Unfortunately I spent 8 hours of it in a car on the way to see my family in South Carolina! A drive that usually takes 5 hours or so ended up taking 8 hours by way of rainy, Atlanta traffic! Poor Mercy didn't do so well, till she just got sleepy and quiet. It was not a great day as far as birthdays go, but I will say that I got great gifts and the family made nice gestures to show they remembered and cared.

One year I'll have "the best birthday ever." But it is a good possibility that the whole best birthday thing is simply a bigger than life dream that will never be what I think it should be. In any event, I'm older now.

Mercy stayed behind in South Carolina with her grandparents. Jason and I are having mixed emotions about it. We are enjoying the rest, quiet, and productivity. But, we miss Mercy more than we thought we would. We didn't make it out of the driveway before we missed her. And as quiet as it is, it seems kind of strange. I am getting things done that needed to be, so the time should pass rather quickly.

If you do not hear from me for awhile, you'll know why. I've been out of town through labor day. Then, I've been getting ready for Kids Market (www.kidsmarketandmom.com), and next week I will join Mercy, and Nani and Pop at the beach! Then I'll blog again. So tudaloo till then!