Brief Update

Still no Mac. Insurance is going to help replace it which is really nice. We'll see how that all turns out. So my computer time has been limited. That's ok though cause I haven't been feeling really well. I've been battling headaches for at least 5 days. I'm not sure why, but sometimes they are nauseating. They are not immensely painful (like sharp) but they are dull and consistent and annoying and debilitating. Aleve and sleep seems to help though. So, off and on, I haven't felt like interacting much.

Mercy, Jason, and I went to the Carnival at the local church. It was covered with people and the air conditioning wasn't sufficient, and Mercy did not like the hat for her outfit. It was a little overwhelming and I felt like we just got in and out and did what we needed to have the "experience" for Mercy. Hopefully, Tuesday's trick or treating around to our neighbors will be better and more relaxed.

Still figuring out what's going on with me. Exhaustion, definately...poor sleep. No more days of crying though. That's something.

Mac Finally Died

Well, our beloved Mac finally died. We've had it for three years and its been through the ringer and back. A new computer has been a long time coming in our household. So, for now I am using Jason's work computer in the evening when he brings it home. That's all I get, so I won't be as consistent in returning emails and/or blogging

We had a memorable and wonderful weekend as a family! We did the pumpkin patch thing and a lot of relaxing, cooking, ice cream getaways and such! Mercy won't remember it in the long run, but it was cathartic for Jason and I. I'll post pics eventually due to the new computer arrangement. We are going to wait a few weeks to replace it.

For all of you wondering how I'm doing. Much better. Alot of talking and real communicating going on in our house, not to mention the meds. I'm not nauseous anymore, so that has subsided. Still alot of work to be done, but I'm aware of that. That's the best update I can give...Mercy has an ear infection and we are going to the Dr. tomorrow to make sure it's really gone. I'm not so sure. We may be up for round two of antibiotics. She's still digging in her ears, but she is in a much better mood. I'll take the better mood Mercy anyday. Of course she is cutting two more molars!!! Ah...motherhood.

Sisters

Everyone should have a sister. More so, every girl should have a sister. I know some of you don't have a biological sister, but then there are those other women in your life that might as well be your sisters. Those count too. I picked this topic for many reasons. The most important reason is that it is my sister in law, Shelby's birthday! Happy Birthday Sis! Some people's in laws are not their favorite, but this is not so in my life. God blessed me with the opportunity to get to know Shelby by making her my neighbor for 6 months and on top of that we are figuring out this new motherhood thing together. Our kids, the cousins, are only 3 months apart. She's a sister, and a friend and so I pay tribute to her on her special day! Everybody check out her blog at stonesmom.blogspot.com She really takes awesome pics!

Then there's my meredith. She can really light up a room. Things aren't all peachy for her right now, but that's ok. That's kinda part of life. Still, listening to her process and learn reminds me that I ought to be doing the same. I always enjoy spending time with her, even though sometimes I just can't find the right words...that's when singing Indigo Girls always wins out. We make a great pair musically!

I've got a few others that I consider sisters...There is my sister in law Connie. I feel like we are on a different plane simply because of our age difference, but most of the time that doesn't matter. I always enjoy spending time with her. She's positive and encouraging and beautiful inside and out.

Alyson, whom I've blogged about on numerous occasions has made as big an impact on my life as any! I miss having her closer, but I'm always excited about what God is doing in and around her! She is a breath of fresh air!

Lacey, whome I may or may not have blogged about is a surprise sister. I never thought that she would be one of the few that I kept up with over the years! I'm not really good at keeping up with anyone! But she never let me go. Through many, many, many moves she's found me, tracked me down, kept me in contact. She is a true friend and one I really need and love right now.

Thanks to all my family and pseudo-family. With your help I'm pulling through.

I Was Right

9 am appointment confirms a flaming red left ear. Poor baby. Yeah it was a bit of a rough night, and she's still taking that morning nap, and heaven forbid I wake her. So I'm relaxing for a moment, not knowing what "mood" she'll be in when she wakes. My day has been ok. a little nausea, but I started the whole dose last night on my meds, so what do i expect. Time for lunch. Check in later.

Friday the 13th

Wouldn't you know...I didn't even realize it was the 13th till I was laying in bed after I thought I had put Mercy to bed. Sure enough, she was having trouble getting comfortable, I think cause of her ear. I tried to call the Doc, but they don't schedule appts. till the morning of on Saturdays. Yuck. So, I'm pretty sure I'm in for a long night, and long day tomorrow since Jason will be gone most of the day. Hopefully, the Doc will agree that she indeed does have an ear infection otherwise this is all in vain.

Calling it Now

I'm calling it now. I think Miss Mercy is working on an ear infection! I gave her a decongestant to see if that will help. There is definately fluid in her ear. Left one. We'll see, and I sure hope I'm wrong, cause that is miserable. That said, today was pretty good. She has been slightly fussy off and on and hasn't taken much for naps, but I got a shower and dried my hair, and that's something. We went out to eat and took our time. I thought of it like when my mom used to take me to lunch in New Orleans. No rush, just being together. Then we went to the zoo and saw the monkeys and the elephants. She started throwing a fit at the cheetahs so we packed it up and went home. She fell asleep on the way. Didn't sleep more than an hour though. When she woke, she was fussy and digging in that ear, so we took some medicine and rocked for awhile. Now she is in her bed wanting out, so I'd better go tend to her. Don't want her to get too fussy. Wish me luck!

Good Day

Well, I haven't said this in a while, but today was a good day. It didn't start out so great. Mercy was irritable and whiney, but I just rocked her back to sleep at about 8am and let her sleep till she woke up at about 9:15am. Then she was much better, so I went ahead and took her to MDO. That freed me up to do a whole lot. I took care of an insurance thing Jason asked me to do. I checked on our previous van account to make sure it had been paid off then cancelled the auto pay. I closed out our credit card account (after much haggling). I mailed in a deposit to hold our rental house. I checked to make sure my MDO payment was recieved and turned in Mercy's updated shot record. I went grocery shopping, unloaded the car, and grabbed pizza to eat before picking Mercy up from MDO. Then down for a nap--both of us--around 1:45pm. Mercy didn't sleep as long as I anticipated, so at 3:15 via stroller, Mercy and I hand delivered mail to Sheila at the clubhouse. Then we strolled back home to get in the car and do pick up and pay day at Kids Market. There wasn't much left and I made what I spent, so on the way home I deposited the check and stopped at the drugstore to pick up what I couldn't get at Wal-mart. They were having the flu shot as well, so I went ahead and got mine. Finally, we got home to find Jason already there.

I didn't think the day would be this productive. It was a slow start for sure. I was feeling very unmotivated, but once I got to going, I just kept the momentum up. In addition to all of that huge to do list, I did 3 or 4 loads of laundry and filled the car up with gas. And mercy was a delight the rest of the day!

Thank you Lord! I know I am not capable of all of this without your hand being on me today. You knew I needed a day that made me feel both capable and adequate. Thank you.

Been Away Awhile

Mercy and I have been away a while. Like always, I brought her back with some illness. Stone had a cold and I believe Mercy has it now. On top of that unpleasantness, she had her MMR today at her 15month check up. Whew! When I say she was fussy, that's only because there are no real words to describe it. I haven't had an entire day with her like this since she was 4 or 5 months. There were days then that we spent most of the day in the rocking chair, but she won't let that happen anymore. 2 things...if all else fails, stand in front of the fan and/or go outside. We did both of those today, more than once.

The house looked like a tornado came through and it's a miracle that I got any food on the table, but all is quiet for the moment. My only prayer is that Mercy will be well enough to make it to Mother's Day Out tomorrow. I've got to get to the store and do loads of laundry and cleaning...I'm starving! I barely sat to eat my meal tonite for feeding Mercy and her fussing and such! I feel like I ate enough, but I also feel very hungry. Popcorn usually hits the spot, but not tonight.

I'll deal with that in a minute. Just wanted to update those who actually read this, I didn't make it to my counselor because I ended up going out of town early due to some family of origin issues. I did make it to the doctor and have started the zoloft regimen. I'm on day 3 of the first 4 of 1/2 dose, then on to the full dose. I felt nauseous today at one point which was strange. I figured either the pill or hunger, or the combination. We'll see. I felt weepy at times today, but it was like I was out of tears. I thought that was odd to have the feeling without the tears. I held it together pretty well as far as patience with Mercy in the midst of an awful day for her. I was pleasantly surprised by my calmness.

Well, those are my stay at home mom accomplishments today. Tomorrow, I hope to have more tangible results...making various calls, going to the store, making dinner, doing laundry, unpacking suitcases...No, I don't expect to get it all done, though it would be nice. More later

Circling the Wagons

There is a poignant image that for whatever reason just came to mind and became our motto of sorts during Katrina. We--as a family--were basically like settlers going out together into uncharted territory. We needed to "circle the wagons" together if any of us were going to have the best chance at survival not to mention thriving.

Well, surviving is all I have been doing...all I'm still doing. I did not make it through today without crying. In fact, I had tons of help with Mercy today and found myself alone in the car with my own choice of music and volume. And, though I loved it in so many ways, I found myself still feeling so overwhelmed. About what in particular, I have no idea. I was thinking tonight about why it is that I am so depressed. I feel no need to be, I know I'm blessed and though I've been through an amazing amount of stress...I've done that before too. I don't know honestly. That counselors appt. I was going to today was rearranged, so it didn't happen. I will make sure something happens soon though. It's the only way I can make through all that is coming up in our lives.

Today we circled the wagons again and caravanned our way from AU to South Carolina. That was a little overwhelming for me cause I have nearly no energy as it is and Mercy sleeping in my room for the past 3 nights has led to very little sleep. But, I am here at my parents house and there is a sense that rest is coming. I am weepy...most of the afternoon and evening actually, but ambien is calling so I should sleep like a rock hopefully. There's always the hope that tomorrow will be better...something to look forward to.

Cleaning Out an Office

I'm helping someone clean out there office. I've never done this before, but we chose to go at night to avoid confrontation and in essence save a great deal of time and energy, and to have peace and quiet for speed and concentration. I'm actually out without Mercy which makes this little venture twice as exciting. So I feel like I'm in some movie where we are sneaking in at night trying to find some file we're not supposed to have, you know. So many movies have that same scene. Hopefully for our sake no one will interrupt and it will feel like a successful venture. Really though, we are just cleaning out an office of a no longer employee that hated the job as it were. This should be sort of a celebration and I asked this person if they wanted their picture taken so that this could be remembered, but they declined politely. Oh well. Everyone knows an end is almost always a beginning, and I thought it might be nice to document it, but alas...our memories will have to do.

Actually, my belly is stuffed and my eyes are heavy. I'm blogging whilst the other is organizing files or something. I hope to go home and get ready for bed so that I can just crawl into it. The last two nights have not been great. Mercy has chosen on both occasions to have difficulty really going to sleep. Thus, both nights she has thrown a royal fit--hysterical crying and breathing. Nothing you do helps, so that she just tuckers herself out. Amazing huh?! So of course, I'm more than tired. I'm praying tonight is better. I sense that she knows her daddy is not nearby and that she knows there is tension and unrest with the rest of us. Not sleeping isn't helping any of us, and we all have a long caravan ride to Greenville, SC tomorrow.

On a way cooler note, WE SOLD OUR VAN TODAY! Finally after nearly a month or more of trying, we sold our van. Now we have one less debt and one less payment per month! That really takes a huge financial load off. I still have to try to remember to pay Touro for Mercy's birth. That is the one thing that I forgot today. Then we will have no debt other than our SBA disaster release loan at 2.6% over 30 years, so we will be in a very healthy financial situation. Woohoo! One less hurdle for such an exhausted person to jump.

Emotional update: Still very blah. Not much feeling going on. I sense that sheer exhaustion has overridden every other emotion. I haven't cried today...at least not yet and that's something. It's been a long while since I've had a tear free day. Yippee!

Honeymooners

My husband is a doll. I've been drowning in this depression for a good little while and he really didn't see. I don't know if it was because he was self consumed or because I really didn't want to bother him with it--you know bring him down in the process, but God really knit us together in an amazing way. I asked you guys to wish me luck as I was going to try to bring it all home for him about how awful and bad off I really was. I didn't have to try really hard. He understood and he told me how valuable I was to him. In more ways than one, he made it clear that he truly loved me and didn't ever want to even think about living without me. You have no idea how long it had been since I felt truly valuable to him--deeply cherished and loved. Ironically, he told me that next day that he felt like we were honeymooners again (newlyweds, I think), that we were doing something crazy together and I was being lovey again. That's when I told him that he made me feel valuable. I truly knew that he loved me and that made me feel a little more like myself, a little more "lovey." Truly, while I'm away I've missed him more than usual. I want to be near him and experience this 2nd honeymoon phase. I love him in so many different ways that I can't wait to get back home. But that'll be a while. See you soon, love, and do great on your next test!