Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Going on 5 Years

So I'm going on five years of being in love. Don't get me wrong...everyday is not filled with with rainbows and bluebirds. None the less, I feel fortunate, truly blessed, to have found the one God intended my earthly heart for. This is tricky, you see, because I understand that I, along with my heart, have been truly made for God and His love. I also understand, however, that He intended our hearts and persons to live and "be" in communion with others. This marital love is the perfect example of that intended communion.

I had a dream last night. A dream that I was having to decide and then follow through with a decision on whether I should continue seeing/dating a guy or not. From now on we'll call this guy "Bob". Bob is actually a person from my past whom I had a great deal of feelings for and whom I understood to be a very upstanding, respectable, nice sort of guy. So, you know when you have those dreams that seem extremely real? This was one of those. In the dream, I decide that though I think Bob is great, I also understand that he is not meant to be my one and only. That I think he would make a good husband to someone is beside the point, he is not what I need. I imagine married life with him and realize that I am lacking. I am missing something, a slight emptiness. It is definative and disturbing. I do not feel adequately loved as I understand God desires me to be.

I confidently and gently break it to him (Bob) that while he is a wonderful person and my desire is not to hurt him, it is only right to end this now as I see that I am not to marry him. He is heart broken and so am I in a sense, but I also feel a pride that I did what was only right. I don't know what comes next in my "future" (in the dream), but I understand that my one and only is still out there. God made that clear.

This dream was not so different from the real story only went much smoother. In reality, this particular journey and time in my life was literally close to hell on earth emotionally. I only wish things had gone as they had in my dream. And I wonder sometimes why our brains and dreams work as they do. I mean, why did I need to think of this guy, Bob, much less dream about all that? I don't really know per se, except that maybe it was simply a reminder of what I have.

I woke up with an overwhelming appreciation for the love of my life lying there next to me in that bed. Sometimes, the longer you're married the more reminders you need. I have since thought of Jason (my one and only) most of the day and couldn't keep the grin from my lips. He's something. All his quirks could drive you crazy, but they are also very endearing--ok most of them anyway. His face is adorable and his personality is gentle, sweet, funny, and the list goes on.

This evening after walking in the door from work he scooped up Tutti and loved on her and then proceeded to wrap his arms around me and whisper in my air that he thought I looked really good in these earth tones. Ha ha! That is so adorable! Do you wanna know what I really looked like!? I was wearing my most worn out pair of jeans cause I didn't feel like shaving my legs, a plain brown t-shirt, no make up, and a pony tail. Truly a sight for sore eyes. But not to him. See that is who/what I needed. My one and only was to be the kind of man that cherished me thru and thru. He saw my beauty even when I didn't. He's the very best kind of husband. The kind that makes you feel like you are the most beautiful, most special, most capable, most important person around. That's Jason.


Anonymous said...

He's something!

Alyson said...

Just what I needed to hear... seriously. And I can affirm in a friend-way that yes, Jason IS all that you mentioned. I'da tried for him if you hadn't have got him before me! LOL!