Thursday, June 01, 2006

Finally Home

It feels weird even typing the "title" to this blog. You see I'm a minister kid; basically one step down from a military brat. We moved about every 3 years or so growing up and then once college hit it became just about every year if not every semester. Really. Since 1996 I have moved 15 times!!! Holy Moly, I hadn't sat down and figured it up. Sometimes it wasn't my fault per-se (the last several were due to the hurricane). Wow, I hate it!

Anyway, I picked this subject because "home" hit me like a waft of freshly baked bread as I opened my front door today. You know how smells can really bring to mind thoughts, memories, feelings that are sometimes beyond any kind of verbal expressions? There was a time when I was exploring my future and was employeed at a behavioral hospital. The administration tended to abuse my dependability and thus 25 hours a week often turned into 40 or more. There was a defining moment when I unlocked the back door as I was entering work, and as soon as the smell of the unit hit my nostrils my mind felt "at home." It was that very moment that led me to quit that job. No job should "smell like" home.

Today was another moment for me. I was in and out today, working a little childcare, and running errands with my daughter who I will lovingly refer to as Tutti at times. I had Tutti on my hip, a baby bag and my purse on my shoulder, and I was using whatever weight I could control to push open my tricky front door when rushing toward us came this waft of "home." It was pleasant. Not so much the smell but the feelings that all of a sudden became connected to the smell. Deep breath... Sigh... "Finally home."

You don't know what that means to a "gypsy" or "nomad" like myself. It is so unusual and yet long overdue. Even now thinking of it I have a depth of feeling tingling in my belly all the way up to my throat. Tears well just behind my eyes. Not sure why. Maybe part grief for the things lost over the last year or maybe out of overwhelming relief and/or peace with finding a sense of "home."