Monday, July 24, 2006

Hanging Up

So I checked out the movie "Hanging Up" from the library--a free source for many fun things. I wouldn't say I loved the movie or really even liked it, but I will say that it made me think, and it made me feel. It made me think about my parents and how special and important they are to me. It made me think about what kind of mom I want to be for my daughter, Mercy. It made me think back to some of my childhood memories, or at least try (for those of you who know how awful and weird my memory even is). It made me want to create childhood memories for Mercy--good ones. It made me miss my sister, Meredith, so much so that I really wanted to call her, but thought it was a bit late.

I like feeling. Recently I've had some trouble doing it--feeling. It is sometimes like I'm on anti-depressants, only I'm not. Last week I slept and I cried the first half of the week. It was weird. Clearly I was struggling, but I never felt or noticed anything leading up to the whole ordeal. It snuck up on me and I'm not used to that. Good thing my mom was in town, unfortunate for her though. I spilled a little bit of my confused wonderings about what could be behind this depressed state, but I never had an "ah ha moment". None the less, just crying and talking did eleviate some of the weight.

I know I haven't written in quite some time. I have kept myself busy enough I suppose. There have been days when I thought of writing, but realized I had nothing significant to say and suddenly I felt like the over-achieving grad student trying to write a paper! Trying to impress. Not today. I simply saw a movie and checked my friend Alyson's blog and felt that I should log in and post.

I have been better for several days. I have tried to keep busy and be resourceful/productive. Sometimes I am simply bored. It can be rough being a stay-at-home mom, especially when it's soo hot! At least when it's cooler, Mercy and I can walk or play on the back deck. It is fun to remember back to this time last year though. It was a scorcher then too. Mercy was just a newborn and we would stroll just a few short blocks to my parents. We'd stop in to cool off since everyday after she was born was a heat advisory. After some air conditioning and water, and sometimes a change of diaper, Mercy and I would trek back home to our cosy little seminary apartment.

Talk about a flood of memories! She was sooo small! All she did was sleep all the time! Which was kind of good. She always got a little fussy and antsy when Jason came home. We dubbed it as her time to fuss and that was o.k. Sometimes her Nani and Pop would come with an empty stroller to get her and bathe her and give us a break before bedtime. Then Nani would sneak in the back around midnite for night nurse duty. What a time in our life! What a blessing! ...Feelings again. I think I'll go bask in them a bit...since it's been a while.