Cloth Diapers?

So I've truly discovered cloth diapers. Now, those of you who actually know me, don't think that I've gone mad or earthy on you. It's not like I had never heard of them. I mean, how many times has my mother and/or mother in law casually mentioned all the hard work that they were plagued with before all these modern day baby conveniances. I'll admit, it all sounded like hard, unappealing work to me. I would definately pass on an award for their bravery. What I've discovered is that cloth diapering is not what it used to be. There is no need for pins and oragami diaper folding classes. These are not your momma's cloth diapers! When I say, that I have done research...Ask Jason what I have done for at least a week straight every night after Mercy goes to bed! I have truly studied these new diapers. And I accept. I accept this new challenge. I have only purchased the basics (the very best of the basics) and plan to construct the rest of my rotation on my own sewing machine!

Naturally, my new desire to save every possible penny led me first to this endeavor, not to mention the complaining from my husband about the mounds of trash he was lugging to the dumpster daily. So, here I am...anxiously awaiting the arrival of my ebay purchases; 10 chinese prefolds (4x8x4) won at 2.25 before shipping, 4 Proraps diaper covers purchased for about $15 including shipping, and 4 WAHM all in ones,2 overnighters and 2 AIO's with all the "industry standard" materials; windpro malden mills, hemp, PUL (all the things I've been looking up and trying to figure out). I think my only other purchase may be one of those lovely sprayers. I'm not really the dunking type, but believe me I'll do what I have to. My only hope is that Mercy doesn't really even notice.

Hanging Up

So I checked out the movie "Hanging Up" from the library--a free source for many fun things. I wouldn't say I loved the movie or really even liked it, but I will say that it made me think, and it made me feel. It made me think about my parents and how special and important they are to me. It made me think about what kind of mom I want to be for my daughter, Mercy. It made me think back to some of my childhood memories, or at least try (for those of you who know how awful and weird my memory even is). It made me want to create childhood memories for Mercy--good ones. It made me miss my sister, Meredith, so much so that I really wanted to call her, but thought it was a bit late.

I like feeling. Recently I've had some trouble doing it--feeling. It is sometimes like I'm on anti-depressants, only I'm not. Last week I slept and I cried the first half of the week. It was weird. Clearly I was struggling, but I never felt or noticed anything leading up to the whole ordeal. It snuck up on me and I'm not used to that. Good thing my mom was in town, unfortunate for her though. I spilled a little bit of my confused wonderings about what could be behind this depressed state, but I never had an "ah ha moment". None the less, just crying and talking did eleviate some of the weight.

I know I haven't written in quite some time. I have kept myself busy enough I suppose. There have been days when I thought of writing, but realized I had nothing significant to say and suddenly I felt like the over-achieving grad student trying to write a paper! Trying to impress. Not today. I simply saw a movie and checked my friend Alyson's blog and felt that I should log in and post.

I have been better for several days. I have tried to keep busy and be resourceful/productive. Sometimes I am simply bored. It can be rough being a stay-at-home mom, especially when it's soo hot! At least when it's cooler, Mercy and I can walk or play on the back deck. It is fun to remember back to this time last year though. It was a scorcher then too. Mercy was just a newborn and we would stroll just a few short blocks to my parents. We'd stop in to cool off since everyday after she was born was a heat advisory. After some air conditioning and water, and sometimes a change of diaper, Mercy and I would trek back home to our cosy little seminary apartment.

Talk about a flood of memories! She was sooo small! All she did was sleep all the time! Which was kind of good. She always got a little fussy and antsy when Jason came home. We dubbed it as her time to fuss and that was o.k. Sometimes her Nani and Pop would come with an empty stroller to get her and bathe her and give us a break before bedtime. Then Nani would sneak in the back around midnite for night nurse duty. What a time in our life! What a blessing! ...Feelings again. I think I'll go bask in them a bit...since it's been a while.

I'm a Big Kid Now!

Just to keep everyone posted...Mercy's Birthday is tomorrow! She will be the big numero uno. I'm so proud to see her reach this point. I know it goes as fast as it came, but it is sort of a proud moment in a parent's life. This whole party preparation and such is the reason I have not posted in a few weeks. Her party was yesterday and I'll be getting some great pictures posted shortly! I must say though that I have not been that exhausted in I don't even know how long! Life is rapidly changing around us, but we remain the same. I'll keep you posted as everything interesting evolves. Look for a posting in the next week--one with lots of pictures!

Let's Get Personal

So, my husband and I have a bit of a distaste for institutionalized "church" as we DO it here in the U.S. of A. Don't get me wrong, there is a great feeling of overwhelming comfort when I enter a church with pews, a pulpit in front of a cross in the baptistry, organ music playing some of the oldie but goody hymns, etc. I mean, what is more down home than ladies with hats and fans thinking about what they are going to bring to the pot luck next week while the preacher yells, paces, and smacks his bible on his hand for emphasis? These stereotypes do give us many laughs at times, and the most fun is the truth behind so many of the stories.

But I've digressed. I am getting on this soapbox, and hopefully only for a short rant, to talk about what we say and what we do. It seems there is a wanting to be something different, something more, maybe something even refreshing. We brag about how we change up our "forms" in worship so as to create a more authentic transformation. We call our sunday schools or bible studies by new names that have to do with relationship building or intimacy. The problem is we have trouble adjusting to the working out of these new concepts. Ultimately, what it boils down to is that we have slightly tweaked and renamed many an old practice.

So here we are. We have just joined this new church. We have been through the ringer and back in life and some of our healing had to do with past church experiences. We come to this new church with a new pastor and things are pretty good. Seriously, we don't have the expectations that this one church is going to "meet our needs" or fall into everything that we are looking for. We didn't make a list. We simply prayed, worshipped, and let God do the guiding.

Now, my husband and I are deconstructionists, though I have the tendency to be able to see further down the way to the reconstruction. This mentality has left us wanting to get in and fix and I know that is not our job. It is God's job. So, I will from here on out simply state what I experiences tonight at one of these group gatherings that was "advertised" to be relational.

So we walk into a room. This room is white and taupe. There are absolutely no decorations, pictures, or anything that would stand out. There are three rows of chairs facing a wipe off board, and a tv set up facing the chairs. There were two tables for sign in and supplies. We sat down on the last row wearing our name tags and filling out forms. Some others filed in and we got started. We talked vaguely about our "assignments" every week and how quickly we were going to have to run through the book to fit it all into one month. Then we introduced. We went around the room. Typical group dynamics kicked in with most giving typical answers and the few usurping precious time to tell their life story and some obviously on a totally different page often saying completely unrelated things.

Now this group dynamic thing I expected. I've done enough study of counseling, human behavior, and church, just to learn to expect these types of interactions. So off we go into a mostly one person led "discussion" about a book whose first two chapters no one knew were supposed to already have been read before you got there. Then we watched a lovely synopsis video which was only slightly helpful this week because no one had read what they didn't know they were supposed to have read. Every time I got ready to jump into the discussion, the facilitator moved on. Now keeping in mind our time crunch, I understood, but I did find it confining to our group's possible growth through discussion. There was scripture used, but not clearly defined in context and quickly with little exploration.

What did I notice? First, I noticed how dull the atmosphere was. Then I noticed how, even during the introductions, I had trouble seeing people due to the seating arrangement. Wouldn't a more relational style be to sit in a manner that allowed for more direct discussion. The very set up of the room screamed for this to be merely educational, primarily lecture based, with very little interaction. I looked at the back of most people's heads! Then the video..I will excuse the use of it this week and this week only since it is likely that the facilitator knew that many would likely have not yet read the assignment. But from here on out, there is no need for it. We will get more than enough of the author's opinion just reading the book week in and week out. There is no need for the video cliff's notes on top of it all. Personally, I think it just cuts into the already cramped discussion time. The last thing I noticed was that one couple felt that they had to leave early and miss out on some of the gathering to go and get their son. Then, of course, my husband and I were worried about Mercy after their early exodus. It was then that I realized that it wouldn't kill us to have our kids with us in these gatherings. Talk about personalizing things! Anyway, that is enough for my soap box right now. Anyone reading this who is further interested should start by reading the book of Acts and see how it was first intended to operate.

Pseudo Father

So, I was sitting with the church this morning, and was gently reminded that there are others in my life that have acted as "father" in my life. One in particular came to mind, Randy Millwood. Now mind you, Adele, his lovely wife, has been an equal partner in all this, but today is Father's day, so it is Randy who comes most to mind. In fact, I got online tonight after Mercy was asleep to check my mail and blog about him and sure enough, he was online also. We spent nearly an hour chatting about so many things; good books, love of reading, love of learning, how to avoid bitterness from all that has incurred this past year. We encouraged one another and shared words from the Lord on eachother's behalf. I didn't get to really speak to my dad today. He was off enjoying a magnificent and much deserved Father's Day with some of his favored classmates from IWS. This filled in the gap. More than that, I was thrilled at the way God had orchestrated the interaction today, perfectly, as always.

Randy Millwood has been a spiritual dad to my husband and I. Jason met him first, but only after my pushing. I persuaded him to go to a meeting on house churches held at the home of a Dr. Millwood. I couldn't go for some reason. He came home mildly impressed, but I still didn't know much. Then Jason had spiritual formation with him and they held it at their house. He was hooked. I still didn't know what all the hype was about, but if my husband is impressed it must be good. I needed the second half of the spiritual formation class and so joined in on the second semester. We met each week at Randy and Adele's house. We always shared goodies. We talked frankly, honestly about our struggles spiritually that week. Sometimes we shared wisdom, sometimes we just gleened wisdom from God through Randy. Regardless, and most important, I always felt like I'd been with God.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that Randy Millwood was God, but I can confidently say that he sought and often succeeded to be like Christ. Thus being with him and in his home, one came away refreshed, renewed, comforted...

He is further away now, but our connection through our church, through prayers, through our service of God, we are all still often together in a different sense. We have learned so much from him. We have learned more about how to build relationships (in general and spiritually specific). We have learned new verbage, more biblically correct verbage to express what it is that we do here as church, as Christ followers. We learned more about this thing we call church. What it should be, What it could be, What God intended. For all this and more we are thankful to our Father God for placing him in our path to grow us, to love us, and to be our fellow journeyman.

Even what I've said doesn't seem like enough.

Happy Father's Day!

O.K. so tomorrow is really Father's Day, but I'm anticipating it by mearly an hour and a few minutes. I could not let this day go by with out commending the "Dad's " in my life.

My dad is the ideal dad. I know not many can say that, but, thank God, I can. Sure he has his imperfections as do any of us, but his "good" outways his "bad". My dad is Gary Hallquist. He has passed down to me so many things and thus I'll just mention them as they come to mind. Music is first, not just a love of music, but a desire to create it. I think that is like God our father, the ultimate Creator. Sure He passed down a love of the beauty of His creation, but He also passed on a desire to create. So, my dad also passed down a hunger for learning and continued learning. He challenges me theologically, intellectually, musically, morally. Challenge, I mean here to be a good thing, a pushing toward, a "help you along" hand on the way to the next level. He is patient, kind, wise, loving, thoughtful, selfless, talented, humble, and I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous cause you are thinking...how can one person be all those things? I honestly don't know except to say that he has a very personal relationship with Christ.

With such a great example, naturally I unintentionally sought someone like my own dad...enter Jason. He, too, is gentle, patient, kind, smart, and handsome. But, as I watch him with our daughter, Mercy, I know that they too will share the sweet relationship that I share with my dad. They way he handles her is such a beautiful combination of relaxed fun, gentleness, and strength. I see the admiration in her eyes when she looks at him and the joy that overwhelms her when he pays attention to her. What a dad he has already become, and he has only just begun. I'm excited for both Mercy and Jason as they are headed into a glorious relationship!

Happy Father's Day!!!

Small Pleasures

I will tell you that I'm not big on things...and in many ways that is true. On my list of priorities, "things" are much further down than relationships, health, and such. However, I have found one of my most favorite "things" in all of the world of which I have been made aware. I LOVE Millstone Caramel Truffle Coffee! I have perfected the art of making the equivilant of a Starbucks Caramel Machiatto in my own home. And overall it is cheaper, although the coffee itself is a little pricey. However, it is one of the few "things" that I would splurge one because its value is pretty great to me right now. I'll take it caffinated in the AM and decaffinated in PM with 1/4th whole milk, two splendas, heavy whipped cream, and caramel drizzled on top. It's like having a gourmet coffee shop in my own house! I actually find it more difficult to leave my house now that I have found this coffee. I have a computer, a book, a chair, a lamp, my coffee, Mercy's asleep, less crowd and thus less noise, and I get to wear my pajamas! OK, so I'm really not obsessed, just newly infatuated that's all. Thanks for indulging me, and if you ever want to get me a present for any reason...you now know what to get!

You Are Not Alone! Yeah!

So I met a friend the other day, a kindred spirit. I can relate to the Indigo Girls in their age old song Virginia Woolf. In the 1200 Curfews album the intro to the song talks about making a friend, a connection through time, through the pages of a book. I met my new friend, Lauren F. Winner through the pages of her "memoir", girl meets GOD. Of course she has no idea who I am, but in some ways she knows a little bit of me, because I find that I am a bit like her. I haven't finished the memoir, and I'm certainly not Jewish, but in so many ways I have felt and experienced what she expresses about church and worship and my own humanity. I folded down a page to quote from, so let's see what it says.

"So I church-hopped, sometimes visiting as many as three churches on a single Sunday. I manufactured good reasons never to return to any of them, but the real reason was probably that it was easier to stay anonymous and aloof than to do the hard, intimate work of actually becoming part of a church.
By the time I return to All Angels', two things have changed. They have called a rector, whom I take to immediately, a sharp and careful man from India named Milind Sojwal; and the very anonymity that made church-hopping appealing has begun to wear me down. I am tired of looking for a church, tired of having my spiritual community be just a patched-together group of Christian friends scattered across the four corners of the earth, folks I can call at any hour but never pray with face to face or eat cheese straws with during coffee hour. I am tired of not being expected anywhere on Sunday morning. I so need a church that it takes just the gentlest push to fall, as though exhausted onto the downiest of feather beds, into All Angels'. "

Now, Adele, if you are reading this, Yes...I'm finally reading the book you let me borrow before the hurricane! Thank you for thinking of me. You know me even better than I suspected. I can't wait to read more. The honesty with which she shares her experiences in church services, in interactions with Christians and/or just ordinary people is refreshing. You Know I've thought those same things before, but kept them to myself.

Well, nap time must be over cause I hear my daughter meowing like a kitten! Gotta go.

Come Awake. Rise. Shine.

This being somewhat a continued story from the previous post, I gave it a similar title. I felt, however, that this information or section, if you will, deserved its own space. Thus, I must tell you more of the awakening story.

So, if you've been keeping up with my posts, you may have heard mention of my feeling somewhat spiritually stagnant. Christ followers have times like these. It is not exactly the same for everyone, but it is certainly common. So, if you are there--feeling blah in you spirituality--be patient, be quiet, but listen and wait for "the voice" to say, "Awake!"

I love how music touches more than just the ears and the mind, but deep into the emotions, into the soul of a person. Even when I had no energy to read God's word or little time or energy to talk to God in any kind of decent prayer life, music written by His servants, sung by more of His servants could reach right into my tough heart and get the blood pumping again.

If you've ever read "Hinds Feet on High Places," you can understand with the love of God in your heart comes both overwhelming pleasure and pain. It is the thorn placed in the heart of Much Afraid. As she experienced stronger love, the stronger beats of her heart gave way to a more severe piercing feeling from the thorn placed there. I experienced this mix and wealth of emotion each time my lips and heart began to sing these "hymns", these songs of the church. My lips were joining together with my sudo brothers and sisters. They were singing and connecting my heart and mind to memories that were comforting and familial as I uttered notes and words that were so familiar. The new songs with their message, not new but refreshed, washed over my spirit as the only words I would allow God to speak to me in my time of healing, adjustment, and restoration.

And isn't it funny how we tend to resist the very things we need. I can tell you why I resisted, or maybe avoided. It was the piercing of the thorn. I chose, in that time, to forgo the overwhelming love in order to avoided the pain that came with it. You see, as I stand before God, I am absolutely vulnerable, undeniably transparant. With that, not only He, but I can see what's really in there. I was not afraid of His response. I have always known Him to love, show grace, and mercy. I was afraid of what I would have to do in response to what I would find. Sort of an ignorance is bliss type thing.

Typical how when you allow a trickle of it to begin to seep into your life, the floodgates rip down the walls you put up to hide behind, and there is no turning back! This is me now...neck deep in Christ's floodwaters. Even funnier is this illustration, considering all that took place previously. Truly, the irony was unintentional. To continue metaphorically, I intend to lift my feet from the sodden ground and allow God's current to transport me into the center of His will. In the waters of Katrina, I was working ever so determinedly to trek through step by step, as if in denial that the waters were all around me. I was dependent on my own strength. I couldn't just pick up my feet and float along with the current, because I didn't trust the one in charge, me.

Literally now, I am excited about the future as it is unfolding in front of me one step at a time. My husband and I are realigning ourselves and our lives, and instead of trying to figure it all out ourselves and get all our ducks in a row before we take another step, we are praying, and listening, and obeying God no matter how ridiculous the instruction seems, not matter if we can see the plan or not. We are reingaging our life and those people that are in it. I have finally felt a burden to pray for my neighbor and his family. I have a desire to learn again, to read, and challenge myself. I have been able to hear from God pretty clearly and it is beautiful!

This new journey has just begun. I didn't want it. I wasn't expecting it. In fact, I think the tragedy of Katrina sent me into a coma, and after months of words not getting through, His voice finally said, "Arise."

HALLELUJAH!

Come Awake

"Are we left here on our own? Can you feel when your last breath is gone? Night is waiting heavy now. Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say,

'Come awake from sleep. Arise. You were dead. You've come alive. Wake up. Wake up. Open your eyes. Climb from your grave in to the light. Bring us back to life.'

You are not the only one, who feels like the only one. Night soon will be left dead, friend. Just be quiet and wait for the voice that will say,

'Come awake from sleep. Arise. You were dead. You've come alive. Wake up. Wake up. Open your eyes. Climb from your grave in to the light. Bring us back to life!'

Rise. Rise. Rise. Rise. Rise.

Shine, Oh Shine.

We will Rise. We will Shine.

Love will Rise. Love will Shine."

If you look closely there is a tiny yellow boat in the vast expanse of that ocean picture. Except for the fact that this photo is illuminated by the daytime sun, this has been the mental picture that previously came to mind when I would reflect on my family and our new placement after the tragedy that was "Katrina."

I just emailed a friend that I haven't seen in over 5 years, and all of a sudden the grief, pain, and the story itself began to pour into my fingers. When I neared the end of the "spill" I realized that some of my own family and close friends had never heard any of this either, so I copied a few of them rather than respill the story a second time.

This image...I am coming forth from this image. The above song by David Crowder had a poignant line that caught me as I was jamming to my ipod and making dinner, "You are not the only one who feels like the only one." Yeah! It's true. How many times have I heard these feelings expressed by others in all of my ministry and counseling work?! And yet I have to be reminded! What a silly, stupid sheep I can be. And thus I have a need for a shephard, a loving God.

The More We Get Together

"The more we get together, together, together...

The more we get together the happier we'll be.

Cause your friends are my friends,

And my friends are your friends.

So the more we get together the happier we'll be!"

Designated by the nearly certified Kindermusik teacher, Jennifer Cleveland (Stapleton), the above was our theme song for the visit. Honestly, this visit was much anticipated and yet surreal. It came and went, and I didn't have much to say about it. It was almost as if it was a nice dream I had. Seriously.

Jennifer, my friend from college (5 years and more ago!) emailed me to let me know that she was coming through and was going to stop in Mobile to see Hope (my roomate from college). Since that is only a hair less than 2 hours from me, I decided I'd go too. Yes, I was invited.

Hope Coons (Baldwin) had recently given birth to her first daughter, Anna Beth. She was just 4 wks. old this past Monday! So we all gathered at her house to be together. No real reason it seemed other than to just be in each others' presence and soak up all the reality that life goes on and on. And that is pretty much what we did. Jen and I tried to keep Hope off of her feet. It was tough. I remember feeling like I had to be Supermom, and that I had to play hostess when there were visitors. We just talked mostly about motherhood and our children, shared some of our choice morsels of motherhood success secrets, and such like that.

Our children became instant friends which really did make me wish that we could be closer literally and figuratively. They were a joy to watch. I did find it ironic that the "old" versions of ourselves came out a bit. Jen, the social coordinator was going and blowing. I couldn't help but throw in some "ghetto" humor. We both had to embarrass Hope by talking about sex in front of her husband. It was good...really good.

A weird thing came over me when it was time to ride home, I became sad, truly sad. I have not felt strong emotions in quite a while so it was both surprisingly nice and unusual. I was very reflective on the way home, you know us always trying not to over analyze even though we can barely help ourselves. I thought of how nice it was to be with women. I thought of how nice it was to be with friends. I thought of how refreshing it was to be with Christ followers...all with similar issues, questions, problems, etc. Experience was swapped along with encouragement and the reassurance that you're not alone, and that you will be prayed for. It wasn't "like before." How could it be really. It was what it was; comforting, fun, relaxing, long overdue.

My 11 month old lesson

It's amazing what I can learn from such a little person. I had forgotten how risky it was to grow up and how brave one has to be to move on. This is something that I have begun to relearn through watching my daughter Mercy. There are references to this "growth" phenomenon in the bible. Such as the idea that when I was a baby I drank milk, but now it's time to eat meat. It's a metaphor for our depth and understanding of relationship with Christ and His word.

Hard to believe Mercy went from that little pipsqueek to rolling over, crawling, waving, talking, and now her first several steps. I know that I wrote on Mother's Day that she had taken her first steps, and that was true, but then she became stagnant in her developmental growth in that area. She became busy about talking instead. Well, today she has really begun to stick out her unsure foot and take the risk that each step brings.

I noticed that she is most brave when she doesn't think too much about it. Each time she takes those risky steps, she has become eager or excited about whatever it is she is moving toward. That excitement overshadows her fear and she steps.

Here is where God began to spell it out a little more clearly. Why do I think so much? Now I don't think He desires for us to be dumb little sheep, but it seems that we simply have a tendancy to be that way. Seriously. I have only just begun to relearn the lesson of faith. All of you have seen the old Indiana Jones scene where he steps out over nothing, and yet he is able to stand. Each step is full of fear and hope, but each one gets easier because of the previous step.

This is what faith is like. The more you practice risk, the more you allow God to remind you the He is indeed God...and the easier it is to risk the next time. Somehow, though I stopped this lovely cycle, and it has been so long since I have risked that I am at the starting over place. And I'm o.k. with that. At least I have the memory of God's faithfulness in my past not to mention the stories of it from His Word, the Bible.

So if my daughter, Mercy, can go from a little wiggly vegetable in my arms all night, to a girl who sits at her own table, waves at will, and steps when she doesn't let her mind get in the way, then I can step also. I know that all this newness in my life can seem overwhelming and sort of depressing, but I also know that if I move forward, God has something cool ahead. I don't know what and I don't really care because I trust who He is and His character.

Mercy "Our Little Tutti"

Woohoo! I could ride my poodle pony all day...just like my mommy used to be.

Hey! I love my "beebee!" Love the baby. Kiss the baby. Rock the baby.

All I could take...naptime with Mama in her big bed!

"Hey!" Waving is one of my many new tricks.

I love getting out of the house. Got used to the car due to the Katrina experience.

Finally Home

It feels weird even typing the "title" to this blog. You see I'm a minister kid; basically one step down from a military brat. We moved about every 3 years or so growing up and then once college hit it became just about every year if not every semester. Really. Since 1996 I have moved 15 times!!! Holy Moly, I hadn't sat down and figured it up. Sometimes it wasn't my fault per-se (the last several were due to the hurricane). Wow, I hate it!

Anyway, I picked this subject because "home" hit me like a waft of freshly baked bread as I opened my front door today. You know how smells can really bring to mind thoughts, memories, feelings that are sometimes beyond any kind of verbal expressions? There was a time when I was exploring my future and was employeed at a behavioral hospital. The administration tended to abuse my dependability and thus 25 hours a week often turned into 40 or more. There was a defining moment when I unlocked the back door as I was entering work, and as soon as the smell of the unit hit my nostrils my mind felt "at home." It was that very moment that led me to quit that job. No job should "smell like" home.

Today was another moment for me. I was in and out today, working a little childcare, and running errands with my daughter who I will lovingly refer to as Tutti at times. I had Tutti on my hip, a baby bag and my purse on my shoulder, and I was using whatever weight I could control to push open my tricky front door when rushing toward us came this waft of "home." It was pleasant. Not so much the smell but the feelings that all of a sudden became connected to the smell. Deep breath... Sigh... "Finally home."

You don't know what that means to a "gypsy" or "nomad" like myself. It is so unusual and yet long overdue. Even now thinking of it I have a depth of feeling tingling in my belly all the way up to my throat. Tears well just behind my eyes. Not sure why. Maybe part grief for the things lost over the last year or maybe out of overwhelming relief and/or peace with finding a sense of "home."

Writer's Block

Maybe I'm having writer's block because I'm exhausted. My daughter, almost 11 months, decided for the last 2 days to go way off her schedule nap wise, which of course makes her cranky, which of course makes me cranky...and the cycle is vicious! Today she refused to take her afternoon nap and so she slept a total of 45 min. all day! We did everything we could to keep her awake until bathtime at 7 and then she only took half of her milk before she was as floppy as a wet noodle. Seriously, carrying her upstairs, the washing machine kicked into geer and made me jump from surprise, then a bumped into the door causing another bang, and none of this phased her. I laid her in the bed and raised the rail and that was that. It was great. And now it is 8:13pm and I could crawl into bed without getting ready--that's how tired I am. Amazing. I refuse though. I have nothing of much relevance to say today, but I am going to accomplish something before I crawl into bed dog-gonnit!

Simplicity

Hallelujah for a four day weekend! Of course it makes the week that follows just fly by. That used to be a good thing, but now it seems a little sad. I know that I have party plannin day with my mother-in-law tomorrow which is likely to be an all day event. Wednesday, I have to work childcare that night which severely shortens my day. Thursday, I have to work childcare during the day for a VBS meeting. And Friday? Hopefully no scheduled events. Then it's off to the races again starting on Sunday with a lovely membership class (finally found a church we can get at least a bit excited about). Monday is childcare all morning, a drive to Montgomery to see two college friends and their babies. Then Tuesday through Friday of that next week is everday childcare from 9-12:30pm VBS!

Just writing it all down makes me tired. I promise my life hasn't been this "busy" in I don't know how long. And truthfully, I prefer a slower pace. I used to pride myself on all that I could accomplish in a short amount of time. It sort of made me feel superhuman. Now I see how stupid that was, and whether or not that makes me feel older or is that way because I am older, I don't care. God says that we are to live an abundant life. How can life be abundant if it's flying by so fast we can't even remember what we did when and with whom.

I know that my husband would think that I had absolutely lost my marbles, but I wouldn't mind living with so much less. Everyday I think he would be less surprised by this statement. I am so satisfied with having the necessities and my family. Sure it's nice to have some things, but sometimes having so many things is not so nice, more like overwhelming and chaotic. Truthfully, I have learned how to create alot from a little, and I like doing it. It is challenging and fun! I think it's funny that I feel like I have to be so secretive about this wanting less stuff, and less expensive stuff. I guess that's not at all in sync with society, so it somehow feels unnatural and strange. Regardless, people that live this way tend to be much more content and peaceful.

Nitty Gritty

So, there is a lot of just nitty gritty stuff going on in my life right now, and I realized that I never really write about that. I guess I feel like I've always got to have something insightful and mind boggling or inspiring and such. Well, maybe this will inspire, or maybe you'll just think that me and mine are simply nuts. Who cares. Here it is.

We are poor. Really, salary wise we are smack dab in the middle of average American. However, following our friend "Katrina," we made some dumb financial decision and plummeted ourselves into deeper debt. Now we can't blame everything on "Katrina," but I will say that prior to that event, my husband and I had a very specific plan and were hacking away at our debt. Granted, at that point, we really were poor. We were on the WIC program. We both worked. We had free childcare, one car, were breastfeeding (saves moola), student housing ($400/mos), tuition (which was cut in half by scholarships/grants), and who knows what else.

Then "Katrina" blows through and suddenly we've got to provide basic necessities with no income for 6 weeks until we can get back to our house to get these basic necessities that we already owned but had no access to. We have a day, two tops to get it all and get out (we know we are blessed to have had most of it still retainable). Then we scramble to get a "home" to rent (deposit, app. fee, etc.) for 3 months till we know better what the future holds for us--and this with no secure employment. Finally a job! It's not great, but it's something! It's boring--alot like Office Space the movie--but it is income. I still haven't figured out if I'm supposed to work. I loved work! Really! But I have a child at home who needs me, not to mention childcare is expensive and makes working seem like not enough money for the time put in. So, if we are now living 28 miles from Jason's job, not to mention the frequent traveling he does to and from his various facilities, and I am stuck at home with an infant, it seemed that we needed a second vehicle.

Here's our biggest boo-boo. Instead of graciously accepting the freely offered vehicle from his brother, we take on the responsibility of another car note; a van-sized car note.

We are lamenting that decision now that we are trying to go the Dave Ramsey route and get ourselves out from the financial pile that is smothering us, to the abundant life of financial freedom.

We are doing well as is and finally have a budget that at least works. We are trying the envelope system, and we have managed to pay off the Taurus! Still besides rent, our biggest issue is the lovely van-sized payment. So!!! Here is the crazy part. Jason and I, and my brother's family, are praying for a $4,000 vehicle. We are not picky about make or model or year. We do want it to be reliable since my child will likely spend a decent amount of time in there. But after much prayer, debate, and discussion, Jason and I have decided that we are on the same page and will pray in agreement, and we are excited to see how God answers this prayer! Can't wait to tell that story.

So there is the nitty gritty. Hope you didn't get too bored. Maybe it even inspired you to get you finances in order, communicate with you spouse, or even to pray. Who knows, but there it is.

Freedom!

Sweet day from heaven! I got to leave my house with no responsibilities other than to pamper myself and try to ignore the fact that I have dependents. Now I know that anyone else out there who has a spouse or child knows exactly what I'm talking about! The last time I got to leave my house alone and just for the sheer purpose of doing something just for yourself was November! And it had been way before that in November. In fact, when I left for my outing in November, I had less than 2 hours and I cried on the way to the mall cause I was so relieved and overdue for the break. Then I get into the mall and have no idea what to do. I barely shopped. I felt like I needed a personal shopper or something.

Today I knew right what I wanted. I wanted to escape into storyworld in the dark in front of a big screen with one hand in a tub of greasy popcorn that cost more than a kidney, and the other hand gripping the icee I'd craved for a week! I didn't even care what show I was watching (disappointed that most of the movies I wished to see weren't even out yet). So I hunkered down and watched Over the Hedge. It was a cute movie with a moral, although the storyline at least thematically seemed repetitively familiar. At one point I began to comment out loud because I had forgotten that I was finally alone. Ahhh!!! Thank you God and Husband for relieving me of my never-ending employment for those few precious hours. You may never know how much those times mean to me. They seem to somehow restore a small sense of my humanity.

Soul Patrol!

whoopie!! GO TAYLOR HICKS!

Water's Edge

"Come and listen. Come to the water's edge all you who know and fear the Lord. Come and listen. Come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty. Let me tell you what he has done for me, he has done for you, he has done for us. Praise our God for He is good! Come and listen. Come and listen to what He has done."

As I was on my way home from work last night (alone which is rare), this song began to play. I had heard it maybe a few times, but it had been quite a while at that. It gripped me...enough to eject my husband's CD and take it in so I could further inspect this song. Sure enough, I woke up early this morning with no desire to return to sleep. I peeked in on Mercy (my daughter) who was sleeping soundly though upside down. I covered you up a bit with a blanket, and then headed downstairs. I wasn't hungry and my husband in all his kindness, cleaned up last night, so there was no busyness to attend to. So, I sat in my favorite chair with Jason's ipod, found that song, and listened. His bible was laying out from where he had obviously been reading it last night after I had gone to bed, so I though why not.

Now this is not the first time I've picked up the book. At minimum I have a masters degree from a Baptist Seminary, but it's been a while. Yesterday in church I was thinking about the reason that I felt as if God were there but silent. Honestly in my mind's eye he was hovering over me observing with his arms folded and absolutely not participating. Now I know that is how some believe that God works (or doesn't). But I traditionally believe that He is very involved if not responsible for the goings and comings of everyday in everyway. However, it has felt as if He had removed His hand from such things in my life at least for a time. I knew He was there, but He seemed uninvolved, uninterested. So, I was pondering how that could be. I wondered if I might be mad at God after all I had been through. I wondered a lot of things actually until I came to the realization that I'm not mad, I'm indifferent. No maybe scared. It's truly as if I've been ignoring, avoiding God because I am afraid of what He'll say or do next.

I find all of this a little strange, because logically I think, how much worse could it get than where I've been? I know that God is not out to get me or my family. In fact, it is more likely that God wishes to bless us tremendously and yet I'm trying to avoiding doing my part. God gives generously, but He also asks of us our participation. And I am tired, weary even. I am not very interested in further change. So, I think these are the reasons why God has seemed indifferent.

So I'm sitting in my favorite chair with my new found friend, this lovely song worded above, and I just listen (as the song says) to God. Now I don't hear God audibly, but it might as well be because usually if He is speaking to me that "still small voice" is pretty clear. This morning, he gave to me Chronicles. Whenever I'm picking up the bible for the first time in a while, I find it difficult to know where to start. So today, I started in Chronicles. I thought it odd to start in an Old Testament book, but as soon as I found it, I didn't think it odd anymore. Sure enough, I opened it to chapter 15 where David is organizing the return of the Ark of the Covenant (significantly the presence of God). The whole thing was done so precisely and yet with such excitement and jubilee! So I'm listening to this song (above) on repeat and here are the words that I read, "Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderous acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the lLord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always...Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Then all the people said Amen and Prase the Lord."

Needless to say I got the connection. Church, the questions, the song, His word. God worked today even if this moment is all my feeble mind can grasp today. He was present and active--and so was I even if the steps were small. I have come to the water's edge.